Week 10: Catch of the Week
Week 10: Catch of the Week
And we back, and we back, and we back, and we back, and we back.
It’s been a minute. But we out here.
On deck this week:
I finished the book. No, I don’t feel better.
Andy Shauf is hosting a party and everyone is invited.
If you can’t take the heat, lock yourself in the walk-in.
Let’s get self-aware.
All aboard.
Something’s Not Right: Decoding the Hidden Tactics of Abuse and Freeing Yourself from its Power – Wade Mullen
In my first newsletter (when I was really optimistic about how much I was going to be reading week to week), I mentioned that I had to put down Mullen’s Something’s Not Right because it was “hitting too close to home.” As I mentioned in that post, Mullen had actually encouraged readers to stop if they found the stories and descriptions of spiritual abuse by church leaders were eliciting too strong of an emotional response to safely move forward.
I still recommended the book because I thought it was worth people checking out. After finishing it, I can fully encourage whoever is looking to understand this moment the church is in to read it. I respected the admonishment to cease reading because it felt like the author was looking out for me and the progress of my healing from spiritual abuse.
Even calling what we endured at our local church for the last few years abuse feels like I’m going a step too far; like I’m being over-dramatic. I’ve gone back and forth. Was it abuse or am I just experiencing vicarious trauma because of the many podcasts, books, and documentaries (documentaries, documentaries) that I’ve listened to, read, or watched that shed light on the numerous abusers operating under the guise of the church or Christianity? Was I letting the stories of old friends and new “corrupt” my own experience by superimposing what they endured onto my own life?
When I’m tempted to lessen the behavior to a “misunderstanding,” a “situation not being handled well,” or “mistakes being made,” Mullen’s description of his own journey comes to mind:
If you’re like me, you may hear the word abuse and think, as I did, of physical or sexual harm done to another person. But the truth is, the term abuse is appropriate to far more situations than those. When someone treats you as an object they are willing to harm for their own benefit, abuse has occurred, and that person has become an abuser. Some of the worst forms of abuse are psychological. The victim may never be physically touched but nevertheless is traumatized by the experience of being emotionally manipulated and held captive by lies, threats, and neglect…In other words, abuse involves any action that takes power from another in an attempt to use them. And it almost always begins with language—words that lead to confusion and captivity.
According to Mullen’s simple definition of abuse, one that I believe is universally accepted by counselors, therapists, and psychologists, abuse is exactly what we and many others encountered during our time there.
When we allow ourselves to be silenced, to downplay what was done to us, we allow the sinister power of shame and self-doubt to perpetuate the cycle of abuse. When that happens, more people are hurt. Abusers continue to manipulate, deceive, exercise control, take away agency, and amass power.
What I took away most from Mullen’s book was the language and confidence to call evil and wickedness by its name. It was empowering, albeit discouraging, to learn that he and many, many others went through exactly what I did but that we didn’t have to stop there. On the other side, there is hope, there are safe people, and there is a King who cares for the abused and oppressed.
The Party – Andy Shauf
We love a concept album here at Wide Net and singer/songwriter Andy Shauf dropped an album in 2016 that I cherish even seven years after first listen.
Shauf’s The Party is a collection of songs about…you guessed it, a party. In a series of vignettes narrated by the characters one could expect to eye across a crowded living room, the evening unfolds.
Imagine a camera passing from room to room, lingering on the guests for just a few minutes, observing their arguments and slurred speech, their buzzed swaying, the cold rush of air that slips through the door when a guest goes to the driveway to smoke a cigarette.
With each song, a new character is given a chance to speak, allowing Shauf to view the world through their lens, with all of their complexities and insecurities on full display.
The shifting point of view, while difficult to track on first listen, is a multi-layered tapestry of our deepest fears, doubts, and desires.
Top Tracks: The Magician, Early to the Party, Quite Like You, The Worst in You, To You.
The Bear
I’m really glad they didn’t romanticize the restaurant industry this season.
If you haven’t seen the first season of the frenetic, black comedy The Bear, I wholeheartedly endorse a binge of the eight episodes so you can then endure another manic whirlwind of sharp knives, hot pans, and the existential dread of living a joyless life.
In the few months that I haven’t been keeping up with this newsletter, I found myself falling into the old pattern of talking more about my entertainment recommendations irl. With that came all of the social pitfalls of people not being interested in what I was talking about and other awkward situations I couldn’t foresee. Take this recommendation, for example.
I was talking to a couple of friends at our going-away party in a quiet room, separate from everyone else. Call it a general lack of social awareness (or irony), but I began sharing about this podcast series from The Atlantic called How to Talk to People. Just as I had shared the title, my wife walked in the room and said, “This is a caricature of introversion.”
That being said, the podcast series is excellent. I’ve even found myself more comfortable engaging in small talk with strangers; not just answering the questions they pose but asking questions as well based on observations. For the extroverts and non-hermits, I accept your judgment, but only if you’re also willing to hand me the participation trophy I deserve.
The other episodes in the series revolve around friendship, neighbors, community, and how to start and invest in new relationships.
See you next week. I promise.
Ad meliora
If I put you on to something in this list, or you like what I’m sharing, tell me about it! If you like Wide Net, share it with friends or people you think would like it too.